What does resilience mean and how to train it

Resilience is making lemonade when life gives you lemons. It is thinking that when one door closes others open. That it is never late to jump on the train, nor to jump off and choose a different track. That living does not mean not going through bad moments or experiences, but getting up when we have fallen down. It is thinking that life goes on and that setbacks can be opportunities. That loss is part of the life cycle. That at the end of our life we do not usually regret as much what we have done as what we have not done and experienced.

Resilience is not succumbing to the post-holiday blues thinking that if I have to get back to work I might as well do so with a positive mindset. It is not stressing over things we cannot change, knowing that it is no use, but looking for solutions to what we can improve. It is choosing our battles and not wasting energy on futile blowups and discussions.

What does the word resilience mean

In ecology, physics, engineering and technology, resilience is described as the ability of a system or object to absorb disruptions or deformations, adapt and recover.

In the field of psychology the meaning has evolved. Nowadays psychologists speak of resilient processes where people adapt to and overcome adverse, traumatic or stressful situations. Multiple factors influence these processes such as the person, family, friends, environment, education, training and financial situation. Resilience is not an innate character trait but a series of thoughts, behaviours and actions which anyone can learn and develop.

Resilient processes are like navigating a boat

Imagine that you are travelling down a river. You may encounter bends, slow and fast-moving water, more or less profound areas. There will be stretches you get past easily and others more complicated.

So, you will need to use your confidence, experience, knowledge and perseverance as well as set up a strategy and plan to dodge the obstacles. When facing for example the currents and hindrances successfully you will gain confidence, courage and experience. The trusted persons accompanying you on your journey can help you overcome raging and fast-moving waters.

You may also approach the riverbank to have a rest. But in order to finish your journey, you will have to continue by boat.

How to develop resilience

Consider difficulties as opportunities

Life can be a trial and we cannot avoid crisis and bad, sad or even traumatic situations. However, we can choose how to face them, not considering them insurmountable obstacles. We can think that it will not be forever and that our future depends on how we react. If we find a way to overcome bad moments, we will learn from the experience and grow as human beings.

So, if you are facing a difficult situation, think of the strategies that will help you pull through and what you can learn from the situation. Acting the best way you can and know is better than ignoring the problems and wishing them away.

Accept that change is part of life

Changes can create a certain resistance and this resistance can lead to stress due to a sense of powerlessness. But life is evolution and we cannot control all aspects. Therefore, it is better to learn to accept uncertainty and changes. Accept what you cannot change and that there might be certain goals you may not be able to reach due to an adversity. Then focus your efforts on what you can improve. Assess your alternatives and adapt your plans and goals or set new objectives.

Be realistic, tenacious and flexible with your goals

Another characteristic of resilient people is the ability to make realistic plans and persevere to carry them out. Having a purpose and goals to work for will help us feel better with ourselves and our lives. Instead of thinking about things you cannot achieve, set yourself achievable goals. Persevere towards your objectives, but with enough flexibility to adapt them when necessary and taking advantage of the current instead of going against it.

Put things into perspective and focus on the positive

When we face painful and difficult situations it is helpful to consider them in a broader context and long term. Being resilient means not magnifying the situation and trying to look at it with certain objectivity. Moreover, developing a realistic optimism, by believing in your abilities and potential, as well as thinking that things will get better will help you.

Make an effort to focus on the positive aspects and on what you want, instead of on the negative ones and what you fear. And enjoy the challenge you are facing. Because overcoming it will make you a stronger and more resilient person. Sense of humor can also be a great ally in order not to take ourselves too seriously and laugh at the adversity or our reaction to it. This helps us stay optimistic and focus on the positive aspects.

Know and trust yourself

Self-love, self-esteem and confidence in ourselves, our instincts and our ability to solve problems are key to develop resilience. If we know our strengths and potential on one hand as well as our weaknesses and limitations on the other hand we can set realistic goals. We will also know when to ask for help.

If we work additionally on our emotional intelligence we will be more able to manage strong emotions, recognising when to allow ourselves to experience them and when to avoid them in order to continue functioning. Emotional intelligence also means being able to communicate what is happening to us and finding a solution to our problems.

As mentioned before, problems do not disappear just with wishful thinking. Although it may be difficult, it is better to be resilient and find a way to solve them. Also, people who fight adversity, difficult and even tragic situations usually come out strengthened. They know themselves better, grow on personal and spiritual level, feel stronger, improve their personal relations and appreciate life more.

In order to get to know yourself, the SWOT analysis is a very useful tool with which you can explore your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

Take care of your relations

Being resilient in difficult or painful moments is easier when we can resort to the support of trusted people who have a positive attitude towards life. Feeling the love, affection and support of family and good friends will strengthen us and give us more security and confidence to face adversity.

There are people who also find it helpful to belong to and actively participate in community and local groups, faith-based organisations or organisations where they can help others.

In addition to looking for social support, a resilient person will also turn to professional aid if this is what it takes to overcome a painful situation.

Take care of yourself

In order to fortify yourself as a person you ought to pay attention to your needs and desires. Good nutrition, regular physical activity, fun activities and sufficient rest are ways of taking care of body and mind.

Learning to live the present, paying attention to and enjoying the little things will also strengthen our wellbeing and resilience. That way we achieve that neither the past is a cause of guilt and distress nor the future a source of worries due to uncertainty. We will learn to accept our experiences and turn even adversities into opportunities.

Moreover, it can be helpful and motivating to read about the experience of people who have overcome adverse situations. You can find stories of overcoming and success in books, magazines or on the internet that might inspire you.

The key is to identify activities and personal strategies that help you build resilience.

Learn from the past

Last but not least, learning from past experience will help us be better prepared for the future. Therefore, it is conducive to reflect on the experience and source of personal strength as well as strategies that helped you overcome challenges.

These questions can be of help:

• Which type of situations or events have been more difficult?
• How did they affect you?
• When facing adversity, who did you resort to for support or help?
• When feeling stressed, which techniques do you use to relieve stress?
• What have you learned about yourself and your interactions with others during difficult situations?
• Have you been able to overcome adversity? If so, how?
• What has helped you to have more hope and faith in the future?
• Has it been helpful to share your experience and give support to others going through a similar situation?

How to be too resilient

Yes, you read it right. You can also be too resilient. It happens when we settle and resign ourselves to situations that can be improved. It may be because of fear of how others may react or because of fear of the unknown, for example. These are usually situations that bother or hurt us, but in a bearable way. Maybe you tell yourself things like: ‘it’s not that big of a deal’, ‘I’m used to it’, ‘it used to affect me but not anymore’. So you choose to avoid, ignore or cover up that pain point in your life.

Recap

As you see there is a series of behaviours and attitudes we can train and techniques we can use in order to be more resilient in difficult moments. Self-awareness, self-confidence, acceptance and social support are some of them.

Do you consider yourself a resilient person? Does it depend on the type of situation? Have you overcome an adversity and how?

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